Known Donor

Over the past few years I have heard friends partners joke about giving me their sperm for "free" whenever I discussed my choice of becoming a mother using donor insemination. This was said in fun of course, but sometimes it felt like they didn't understand where I was in my life. I usually just laughed along with them to avoid my own reality. However, I have a very close friend who I have known most of my life who I felt very comfortable asking him if he'd donate his sperm for me to have a baby. He said he'd think about. Over the years he listened to me when I talked about wanting to become a mother. After I was referred to a clinic and started to go through the process, he came forward and said he would donate his sperm for me to have a baby.

When he first offered I was over the moon. He was really happy with his decision as well. Even our parents were thrilled with our alternative decision to bring a baby into all of our lives. As I shared my exciting news with friends they kept asking me what his role would look like? I didn't have the answers to their questions. I knew I would be primary care-giver and I knew he would be involved somehow because we're best friends and no matter who the baby's biological father was, he was already an uncle through our friendship.

I started to wonder what his role would be if he was the biological father too?
Then I started to think and plan his role for him. This went on for about week. As the questions buzzed in my head I continued to spin various stories about how we looked in the baby's future. I had gone from living and working in the city I was currently in to moving next door to him and looking for work in the city he was currently living. I started to send him emails, texts, leave him phone messages about every thought that entered into my mind on what co-parents would need to think about. I asked him everything from circumcision to Baptism to school choices (French vs. English). By the end of the next week he had decided that maybe his offer to help his dear friend become a mother may not have been the best choice. His words were quite lovely and loving. His want to be a sperm donor was to help fulfill my desire to become a mother, not his desire to be a father. His love for me as a friend was so great he was willing to give me a beautiful gift of life, until I spun my thoughts too far into our futures and freaked us both out. His words were surprisingly a relief for me at the time as well.

We left this topic alone for months and I began to seek more information on unknown donors. As I started my first cycle monitoring, on DAY 10 the ultra sound revealed that my egg was in my left fallopian tube and expected to release in a few days. Possibly the idea of me being "ready" to ovulate forced us to discuss sperm donor again, at this time he agreed to donate his sperm and followed through for that cycle.

I felt that I had a better understanding of what a "known donor's" role was by then, also some of the pros and cons of our choice. No matter how much planning anyone does in preparing to have a baby, you can't plan everything. The one thing I do know is how comforting it was to go through the process of insemination and know my baby's biological father. His role in my baby's life can't be defined by me, but his role as my best friend is always oscar winning. Even though I am leaving it up to him to create his role, to ease my own anxiety about it I continue to think of him as an uncle to my child who is also "donor dad".

I know I will create an age appropriate but truthful story about how my baby and I came to be a family. To help me explain this to my child in the future I decided to begin a journal of my journey to bring us together. I started it on DAY 1 of my first cycle monitoring, I want my baby to know how much s/he was wanted and desired. That s/he was well thought of long before s/he arrived to be in my life. I want to be able to share my positive thoughts about the whole process so s/he will be able to read my love as well as live it no matter how long it may take for us to be together.

As for our parents, they couldn't be happier for all of us. My friend's parents have been like parents to me for most of my life. They were always in my plans for my child's other grandparents, now maybe they'll also be biological grandparents too. This is definitely uncharted territory for all of us. We will continue to keep the line of communication open and if our view of family needs adjustment I'm confident we'll respectfully discuss it and implement changes as needed.

When thinking about using a "known donor" you have to search yourself for every question you have for you and your donor friend to ensure you're both entering into this agreement with your eyes wide open, even at the risk of freaking both of you out, your baby is worth all of it.

Researching yourself SILLY!

As I mentioned previously I think it's a great idea to gather, share and discuss as much information as you can collect on your choice. I think owning a book on the process of becoming pregnant right through to birth (and so on) is a very important resource, as well as your doctor, nurses and technicians at your clinic. However, I am finding that I have so much knowledge in this area now that I am feeling things that may not actually be present, such as I was told that my egg was going to be releasing from my left fallopian tube and immediately I felt it. Even though my common sense told me that it was gas or just in my head, my want for my egg to release on it's own was stronger than my reality.

So when it was insemination time, I was sure I felt pregnant within an hour. I started to read and reread and reread the section on "conception". I visualized the sperm catching my egg, my egg being fertilized and my egg attaching to the wall of my uterus. I read that you may have a metallic taste in your mouth, soon after I had a metallic taste in my mouth. I read that I may feel tired or have to use the washroom more, both of those symptoms surfaced. I started to dream about all of the things I was reading. As mentioned in an earlier post I also took a pregnancy test daily for the first 8 days after both days of insemination. I woke up on the 9th day and decided to stop driving myself crazy and just wait the recommended 14 days. I learned that everything in these paragraphs are a bit "SILLY" and if I find out that I will need to go through the insemination process again, I won't be as "SILLY". Excitement, nervousness, fear and impatience played a main part in my role as the "SILLY woman" who thought she felt pregnant the moment after conception.

I am not saying don't do what I did, but don't beat yourself up if you do. I think it may all be part of the process too, maybe the part people don't talk about. Being "SILLY" didn't hurt anyone, or cause any grief to my process, although it made me laugh now and then it also made me a bit stressful and momentarily sad. Again, I'm not sure if I would have felt these feelings if I wasn't going through he process and just not notice because I wouldn't be so focused.

"WAITING!!!"

Part of this whole process has been "waiting". The fact that I started thinking about becoming a mother more then three years ago surprisingly feels like yesterday. In order to get here I had to make a decision to leave a partner who didn't want the same things I wanted, seek medical advice and finally start preparing physically and mentally for this moment. Now that I am actually "in" the process of becoming a mother, all of a sudden the "wait" feels much longer. Waiting for my period to begin so I can start cycle monitoring, waiting for donor sperm to be delivered, waiting for insemination, waiting to see if I get my period and then starting the cycle monitoring all over again.

Cycle monitoring has replaced the method of taking your temperature to indicate when you're ovulating. On the first day of your period you call the "cycle monitoring" nurses desk, they will record this day as Day 1. On Day 3 you go to the clinic for blood work and an ultrasound. By monitoring your hormones levels through blood work and looking at your reproductive organs with ultrasounds, this process can pin point almost the exact time your egg will be released from your fallopian tube. On Day 10 you return for the same procedures. This continues everyday until your egg is about to release, then you're inseminated with a single unit of donor sperm and the day after your egg releases you're inseminated again with a single unit of donor sperm. You have the choice of course whether to use a single or both inseminations a cycle. It will cost twice as much to use two units however your chances of getting pregnant increases greatly.

Once inseminated then the "REAL" wait begins. Between the time of insemination and your expected period date (14 days after ovulation)can feel like a life time. It is recommended to wait the 14 days after your insemination before taking a pregnancy test. Immediately after my first insemination I went out and bought a pregnancy test. The latest brand, you pay a little more but it states that you can use it five days earlier. I put this test on my bathroom vanity as if it was part of a shrine to my journey, I couldn't wait to use it.

In my conception book it states that it takes seven days after conception before the egg is attached to the uterus and becomes an embryo, producing the hormone hCG that will appear in your urine which indicates whether you're pregnant or not. Perhaps if I hadn't have found IVF pregnancy tests at a dollar store the day after I bought the other pregnancy test, I may have waited the full two weeks. However, even though I cognitively knew that it was far too early to take a pregnancy test I couldn't stop myself. Every morning after my insemination I woke up with cheer in my heart praying as I took the test. Those few seconds after I dripped urine on the stick waiting for it to read "positive" was exciting, but when it read "negative", which it will until the embryo has started to produce enough hCG levels to indicate otherwise (or if you're not pregnant) it is disappointing. I strongly recommend saving your money and waiting the full two weeks.

Identifying with what my choice is...

As I mentioned earlier on in my blog, I met a group of women through a friend's colleague who meet monthly. Much of my information came from meetings with these ladies. When I first heard of this group my friend's colleague identified them with the name "single women choosing motherhood". Soon we're going to attend a documentary which I think was created by a member called "Plan B". It's about single women choosing motherhood. You can preview it from the site below.

http://www.planbdocumentary.com

I can hear my voice in this documentary and I shared it with my family and friends, I figured if I could hear myself in this documentary perhaps they will hear me too. More about this I get closer to my insemination date.

Thick Skin

Having "think skin" is something that I have developed around my decision of being a single woman choosing motherhood. Many people, family and close friends, questioned me and continue to question my decisions in a positive way, in order to provide answers I need to be informed and secure on my path. Through this process I have felt more support then I knew was possible. Also, some of the conversations I've had are so foreign to what any of us knew before I started my journey, I think all of us have learned unique knowledge along the way, and "sperm" alone has created much more conversation and laughs than one could ever predict.

The clinic I am a patient at treat my situation as "infertility", but I am not infertile, I'm single. I felt I was secure in my decision and my place in life, but it was reaffirmed when I was able to laugh at comments such as: "your uterus is beautiful, your ultra sound is perfect, has your husband been tested?" My response in the moment was "no husband,no partner, it's just me." I said this with a smile, my attempt to let the technician know I was okay with her failure to look closely at my file. Later on another day, during my cycle monitoring, the same technician said, "Everything looks good, you should go home and have sex with your husband tonight." I smiled and said "okay." It's surprising I haven't freaked out over these errors because I use to cry over being single, now I am so focused on being a mother I don't even flinch when my status is asked, "yes, I'm single." I am not excusing the errors that continue to be made due to lack of interest in individual patient files, but my focus is elsewhere and I really want to keep the clinic a positive atmosphere for me right now. I do however want to prepare women making the same choice as I have to prepare themselves for the possibility of these errors.

Preparing your body for conception/pregnancy and motherhood

The beauty of planning to have a donor insemination is that you can take the time to prepare your body and your life for a baby. The first thing I did was visit my doctor and discuss timelines for when I wanted to get pregnant and what I needed to do to prepare my body for conception/pregnancy. As I mentioned in an earlier posting, my doctor recommended that I have the Hep A/B vaccine. This required 6 months (1st, 2nd and 6th month). At that point I looked at April as my conception date.

Once I prepared my head for the idea of choosing single motherhood, I was aware of some of the obvious preparation for a healthy pregnancy (e.g., no alcohol, no smoking, eat healthy, etc.), but not everything. I didn't know how important it is to prepare your body for conception. Many people I know didn't have time to prepare their bodies, they either woke up pregnant or right after they made the decision to "try" before they could say "prepare" they were pregnant. When you are choosing motherhood as a single woman (using donor insemination), you have time to prepare.

The first thing I did was stop taking birth control, it's recommended that you stop taking it at least one month before you are planning to conceive. I took birth control for 18 years without a break, stopping it was easy, but experiencing a regular menstrual cycle for the first time as an adult was painful. I have heard female friends complain about having to stay in bed with menstrual pains and I thought to myself, "drama queens" - by my second month off birth control I certainly could out "Queen" any of them. It took my body three months to get use to my monthly "visitor from hell". If you are using an IUD a little more advance planning is needed, you need to have it removed.

"Smoking is one of the most damaging things you can do as far as the health of your baby is concerned and it's a major cause of avoidable health problems. Risks linked to smoking include miscarriage and stillborn, damage to placenta, a low birth-weight baby who fails to thrive, and higher risk of fetal abnormalities. Smoking is one cause of low sperm count, and a man who smokes around a pregnant woman may damage the unborn baby's health through passive smoking. And the problems continue. When tested at five, seven, eleven years old, children of heavy smokers were found to suffer from impaired growth and learning difficulties."(Dr. Miriam Stoppard 2009) Lucky for me I am not a smoker, however I will make sure not to expose myself and my unborn baby to second hand smoke.

Alcohol "is a poison that can damage the sperm and egg before conception, as well as the developing embryo. The main risk to an unborn baby are developmental delay, growth deficiencies, and damage to the brain and nervous system - well documented as fetal alcohol syndrome. Alcohol can also cause stillbirth. Research suggests that the effect of alcohol on pregnant women varies: some are more affected than others. But one thing is certain: if you don't drink alcohol during your pregnancy you'll avoid any problems" (Dr. Miriam Stoppard 2009) directly caused by alcohol. This is one habit I may struggle with before I'm pregnant. I decided to stop drinking to cleanse my body for conception, I have drank a few times since I said "no more". I know I won't drink when I am pregnant, but I am not sure how much I will miss it. I've heard friends discuss this and I've read material on women mourning the loss of alcohol. I may feel a little awkward making this change in my life, but being pregnant and providing my unborn baby with the best life from conception is part of my plan. I am also shifting from thinking of my needs and wants to thinking of my unborn baby's needs (more on this subject later).

Everyone knows that in life diet and exercise are very important to achieve good health and live the best life possible. Your health is crucial for your your baby's health. "Eating a sensible balanced diet that's low in animal fat and includes at least five portions of fresh fruit and vegetables a day. It's important to take daily folic acid supplements in addition to eating a diet rich in nutrients because it's known to lower the risk of your baby suffering from any neural tube defects, such as spina bifida." (Dr. Miriam Stoppard 2009) A friend of mine acknowledged her support for my plan by buying me folic acid supplements and explained how important it was for me to take them. You should start taking prenatal vitamins with at least 400 mcg of folic acid daily three months before you conceive. Also include foods in your diet with are high in folic acid such as; "black-eyed bean, brussel sprouts, beef extract, yeast extract, cooked kidney beans, kale, spinach, whole-grain bread, spring greens, broccoli, liver, lima beans, mushrooms, nuts (particularly walnuts), peas, and green beans." (Dr. Miriam Stoppard 2009) I eat most of these foods daily, so that doesn't concern me, but the frequent fast food restaurants I visit needs to change. It's never been good for me, but now that I am thinking of my unborn baby, somehow that makes me choose Subway over McDonald's. Also I need to include regular exercise in my life again. "Pregnancy puts a strain on your body, so the more fit you are beforehand, the better you'll cope." (Dr. Miriam Stoppard 2009)

I also recommend owning/borrowing a book which helps you understand what you're body is going through from conception to birth. I have learned a lot from Dr. Miriam Stoppard's book "Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth " published in 2009, I like that when I have a question I can refer to her book and find an answer. I chose this book after searching everywhere in Chapters/Indigo in all of Toronto for a book on donor insemination. After reading many books I found a section on my choice in this book only. My reason for starting this BLOG was to provide a true experience of a single woman choosing motherhood. I hope that women who are ready and wanting to be a mother but are not in a relationship will look at this alternative method as an option and feel proud and secure in her seeking information.

Why don't you wait?

"Why don't you wait?" This has been a very popular question from many folks who are dear to me. Asking this questions isn't a negative feeling towards my decision, but it is based on not having "all" of the information. I have read a lot on this subject and I encourage anyone who is over 35 years old and thinking of "waiting" to investigate for themselves.

What I learned was that the "a woman's entire stock of eggs is made in her two ovaries before her birth. By the fifth month of development, a baby girl's ovaries contain about seven million eggs. Many of these eggs will die before she is born, leaving her with about two million eggs at birth. Eggs continue to die until at puberty most women have between 200, 0000 and 500, 000 eggs. Of these, only 400-500 mature and they're released by the ovaries during a woman's fertile years at the rate of roughly one a month." (Dr. Miriam Stoppard 2009)

"The fertility for both men and women reaches its peak at about the age of 24. The older you are the longer it can take to conceive. The older you are the less time you have. The number of infertile women increases with age: one in ten women between the ages of 20 and 24 are infertile, but this increases to nearly 30% of women aged 40-44. The overall quality of a woman's eggs diminishes with age as does the number of healthy eggs produced at any one time. A woman's uterus gets less receptive to a fertilized egg as she gets older, so successful implantation is less likely. The incidence of Down Syndrome rises with age of the mother, particularly over 35." (Dr. Miriam Stoppard 2009)

The fact that I am ready right now is enough for me to go ahead, but knowing that the risks increase the longer I wait is confirming. All I can suggest is that you know your facts. Do the research. And talk to your doctor.