Sunday, April 18, 2010

Pausing Surprise

To my surprise, the day I got my period after my first insemination left me in a strange place. Before I attempted to get inseminated I knew it may take several tries to get pregnant due to my age and method. I anticipated that I would feel disappointment each time I found out it didn't 'take', but I didn't prepare for the "PAUSE". I had been planning on being a mother for months, preparing my body, changing my life style choices, even work related changes - but I didn't realize that my feelings would pull me out of the game altogether.

After a few days of sitting with my thoughts, I had to go back to the clinic and start the process all over again. I did so but without excitement this time, without the positive feeling of "I was preparing to be pregnant". I felt empty, lonely, and desperate. I made an appointment with my counsellor to discuss my feelings and came up with the plan to "pause" my journey to motherhood. Since I'm in control of my journey I can make the decisions to move forward in the direction I feel is best. When I said the words "I need to pause" I felt a sense of relief, that's how I knew it was the best choice for me at that moment.

I called the clinic and explained that I would be stopping my cycle monitoring this month and that I would call them when I was ready to begin again. This was not questioned or supported, they are simply too busy to care about "me", they'll just move my file out of the current line-up and make room for those moving forward. I talked to some friends about my change of heart, some listened with support, while others questioned my decision - was I going to give up altogether or keep trying later, what did I mean by "pausing". I knew this was coming from a place of love, but I wasn't in the mood to have to explain my choices to anyone at that point. I simply wanted to be respected for the choices I made, whether it was to move forward or not.

Another surprise I experienced was my desire to try dating again. I signed up for an online dating profile and began chatting with men through emails. Once the time came to set up a meeting for coffee my old feelings of 'is this him?' began to surface. 'Him' being my future husband. 'Him' the future father of my children. 'Him' the one to rescue me from my single life. 'Him' the one to change my whole existence as I knew it. My thinking is so ridiculously impossible before I even meet 'Him', 'He' doesn't stand a chance. This is pretty much how I ended up creating a Plan B in the first place. Many men my age who are single, looking to date aren't carrying an engagement ring around in their pocket with a strong desire to father a child in the near future, because if he was he would be classified "CRAZY". Something I am well aware of on my end.

I think because my last serious relationship ended after six years, three of which marriage and children were promised but never delivered (hence break-up), I'm still there in that head-space, only now I'm alone. Now that I'm trying to date I feel unsure of how to 'start over'. As well, many men I have met have children, they are already fathers and understand their role as a parent. Some even expressed that they aren't looking to have more children. So I am unsure how I fit into these relationship equations and still be true to my own desires and dreams.

Now that my ovulation for this month has passed, I have 28 more days to determine if I am ready to press 'play' on Plan B or continue to 'pause' it longer. Whatever I decide it will be the best decision for me.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Negative Results...

For the entire two weeks after my first insemination(s) I continued to take a pregnancy test everyday. When my period began on DAY 29 (aka DAY 1 of my next cycle) at 9:00am as it always does, I shouldn't have been surprised, but somehow I was. I felt grief for the embryo that never would dream of becoming a mother was delayed again. I found myself crying, asking GOD to make it happen, to make this the one thing in my life I wouldn't have to fight for - can't it just be? Even though I don't believe GOD is controlling my fertilization process, I did feel that I needed someone/thing to blame for my NEGATIVE result.

After I had a good cry I pulled myself together to call the nurse at the cycle monitoring centre to begin the process all over again. Since it's DAY 1, I am scheduled to go in on DAY 3 with my full bladder to have my blood and ultra sound work begin again. I decided to make some changes to my reactions to this month's cycle monitoring, for example: I won't read my book daily and analyze every symptom I may be feeling in my reproductive region; I will not take a pregnancy test until I have missed my period; and I will not tell everyone where I am in my process. I think I was so excited for my first insemination I told everyone "I may be pregnant", when in fact I wasn't. I imagine if I were trying to get pregnant with a partner the "normal" way, I wouldn't be announcing anything until after I was 12 weeks pregnant.

As a boxer must step back into the ring to win the fight, I must go back to the clinic and allow my body to be used as a human pin cushion in order to become a mother.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Lesbian vs Old Maid

For women in their late thirties who have not been married at least once have two "global" identities; Lesbian or Old Maid. People assume that you don't want children if you've reached 35+ and haven't started a family. I often hear the question; "Do you think you'll ever 'settle down', get married and have a family?"
I'd love to respond with: 'Uh, yeah, that was my first plan but since that horse died alone without Prince Charming on my way to a PERFECT LIFE, I needed to find something more reliable like an Ox to pull my cart towards a different path, a new plan - such as becoming a single mother by choice.'

My reason for starting this blog was to help my family and friends understand why I am making the choice not to wait for Prince Charming to come and rescue me from my single life and just get on with living my life. Now that I can buy what I need from various "Princes" at a Sperm Bank, it's happy trails ahead for me. I also realized that that blogging about my journey has been therapeutic, and perhaps it may help at least one other woman feel less alone in making her decision to become a single mother by choice.

Something I have never lost faith in was the idea that someday I will meet someone very special to spend the rest of my life with. However, right now my biological clock has limited time left on the meter before my ability to have children expires. Therefore, I am choosing to become a mother first and meet my life-long partner second. I believe the person I will meet will love and accept all of my choices unconditionally, whoever they may be.

As for Lesbian vs Old Maid, neither label matters to me because I live my life outside of the "normal" box. I choose to live the best life I can, other peoples ideas or views of my choices are just that - their opinions. Staying true to what I want has been a bit tricky with choosing to become a single mother. However, the more I learn about my choice, the more secure and sure I am about my decision. Also, the more women I meet who have either made this choice or who are contemplating it make it feel more "normal" than it did originally. Life is beautiful if we just stop trying to fit into someone else's cookie cutter shape. I choose to use the cookie cutter shape I was born to be baked in...the shape of "ME".