Sunday, April 4, 2010

Negative Results...

For the entire two weeks after my first insemination(s) I continued to take a pregnancy test everyday. When my period began on DAY 29 (aka DAY 1 of my next cycle) at 9:00am as it always does, I shouldn't have been surprised, but somehow I was. I felt grief for the embryo that never would dream of becoming a mother was delayed again. I found myself crying, asking GOD to make it happen, to make this the one thing in my life I wouldn't have to fight for - can't it just be? Even though I don't believe GOD is controlling my fertilization process, I did feel that I needed someone/thing to blame for my NEGATIVE result.

After I had a good cry I pulled myself together to call the nurse at the cycle monitoring centre to begin the process all over again. Since it's DAY 1, I am scheduled to go in on DAY 3 with my full bladder to have my blood and ultra sound work begin again. I decided to make some changes to my reactions to this month's cycle monitoring, for example: I won't read my book daily and analyze every symptom I may be feeling in my reproductive region; I will not take a pregnancy test until I have missed my period; and I will not tell everyone where I am in my process. I think I was so excited for my first insemination I told everyone "I may be pregnant", when in fact I wasn't. I imagine if I were trying to get pregnant with a partner the "normal" way, I wouldn't be announcing anything until after I was 12 weeks pregnant.

As a boxer must step back into the ring to win the fight, I must go back to the clinic and allow my body to be used as a human pin cushion in order to become a mother.

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