To my surprise, the day I got my period after my first insemination left me in a strange place. Before I attempted to get inseminated I knew it may take several tries to get pregnant due to my age and method. I anticipated that I would feel disappointment each time I found out it didn't 'take', but I didn't prepare for the "PAUSE". I had been planning on being a mother for months, preparing my body, changing my life style choices, even work related changes - but I didn't realize that my feelings would pull me out of the game altogether.
After a few days of sitting with my thoughts, I had to go back to the clinic and start the process all over again. I did so but without excitement this time, without the positive feeling of "I was preparing to be pregnant". I felt empty, lonely, and desperate. I made an appointment with my counsellor to discuss my feelings and came up with the plan to "pause" my journey to motherhood. Since I'm in control of my journey I can make the decisions to move forward in the direction I feel is best. When I said the words "I need to pause" I felt a sense of relief, that's how I knew it was the best choice for me at that moment.
I called the clinic and explained that I would be stopping my cycle monitoring this month and that I would call them when I was ready to begin again. This was not questioned or supported, they are simply too busy to care about "me", they'll just move my file out of the current line-up and make room for those moving forward. I talked to some friends about my change of heart, some listened with support, while others questioned my decision - was I going to give up altogether or keep trying later, what did I mean by "pausing". I knew this was coming from a place of love, but I wasn't in the mood to have to explain my choices to anyone at that point. I simply wanted to be respected for the choices I made, whether it was to move forward or not.
Another surprise I experienced was my desire to try dating again. I signed up for an online dating profile and began chatting with men through emails. Once the time came to set up a meeting for coffee my old feelings of 'is this him?' began to surface. 'Him' being my future husband. 'Him' the future father of my children. 'Him' the one to rescue me from my single life. 'Him' the one to change my whole existence as I knew it. My thinking is so ridiculously impossible before I even meet 'Him', 'He' doesn't stand a chance. This is pretty much how I ended up creating a Plan B in the first place. Many men my age who are single, looking to date aren't carrying an engagement ring around in their pocket with a strong desire to father a child in the near future, because if he was he would be classified "CRAZY". Something I am well aware of on my end.
I think because my last serious relationship ended after six years, three of which marriage and children were promised but never delivered (hence break-up), I'm still there in that head-space, only now I'm alone. Now that I'm trying to date I feel unsure of how to 'start over'. As well, many men I have met have children, they are already fathers and understand their role as a parent. Some even expressed that they aren't looking to have more children. So I am unsure how I fit into these relationship equations and still be true to my own desires and dreams.
Now that my ovulation for this month has passed, I have 28 more days to determine if I am ready to press 'play' on Plan B or continue to 'pause' it longer. Whatever I decide it will be the best decision for me.