Throughout the past three years I have experienced moments of doubt in moving forward with my decision to be a single mother. Most of the doubtful moments came and went within a day or so. Once I gave it time to work itself out I was usually able to move past it and feel stronger in my decision. The first major doubtful moment was a day after I returned from church. I admit I am not a regular church goer, but I have always found peace when I attend now and then. One Sunday morning in the fall 2009 I woke up early and decided to walk to church. The service was fine. The feeling of peace was felt, but after the service I went home and that night I woke up in the middle of the night faced with the question "Would God approve?"
With that question weighing on my mind I started to journal my feelings and fears. I called many friends to discuss this thought and the reactions/responses I got were amazing. My favourite one, which I still use to this day, was when a dear friend said to me, "The God I know loves all children." After I sat with this for a few days I moved through this moment. I did it, I faced the religion verses science debate dead on and I felt victory for my baby and me.
Another fear that woke me up in the middle of the night was the idea of having twins. I had a dream that I had a boy and a girl. One was really big and the other really small. I was yelling in my dream "Twins? Twins? How am I going to raise twins on my own?" This was a real fear I had that I apparently suppressed from myself until it surfaced in my dream and woke me up. I worked through it. I realized that I would know early on in my pregnancy and make the adjustments I would need to make in order to prepare myself to have twins. I am okay with this outcome, I still think it'll be really hard, but I know I'll be okay. At this moment I realized I can't control the outcomes of this journey, I can only prepare myself for it as I go, but not control.
My underlying fear from the beginning has been "Will my baby accept my choice?" I feel confident most days about my decision, I have to believe in myself and the strength I will give my baby in order to understand how we came to be a family.
There have been other moments of doubt, but none that haunted me like those above. I think for any woman preparing to have a baby in whatever method they choose, there will be doubt and fear. It's unknown, and sometimes the unknown is scary. I have my family and friends support, along with my faith which helps keep me grounded and moving forward. I know that my decision is of an alternative nature, but my belief in myself and my ability to be the best mother I can be will overcome all fear/doubt.