Sunday, March 14, 2010

How'd I get here?

I'm 36 years old. I have been in a few serious relationships over the past 15 years. I had two common law partners, one from 24-26 years old, and the other from 27 - 33 years old. I thought at the time they were "the ones". Throughout my adult life I focused on my career, especially during the times when my relationships were starting to spiral. At 33 years old, after my last relationship ended abruptly when my partner refused to talk about marriage and children after six years, we sold our house, divided our belongings, and I decided to look into how I could become a mother on my own; adoption, fostercare, and donor insemination.

After many months of discussions and research, I realized that single women after May 2007 would have extreme difficulties adopting overseas and next to impossible adopting in Canada. Many of the requirements to adopt children from overseas requires another parent, usually a heterosexual couple. Also, they must have been married for more than 3-5 years and had to prove that they were infertile, usually a letter and recommendation from a religious leader was required too. And must be in excellent health. Once your application meets all of those criterias, the cost was a huge hurdle. I've heard it can cost anywhere from $25k - $75K. And when you are approved and your child reaches you they are about 2 years old and have spent the first two years in an orphanage. I have met children in my career who have been adopted from various countries, some are an extension of their adopting parents, others experience major behavioural issues (attachment disorder, senstivity to noise, self-soothing, language development issues, etc.). This is something I was aware of but it didn't stop me from wanting to take this route. All children whether born into families or adopted into families are susceptible to these issues and more, that is the beauty of parenting, embracing what you are given and doing the best by your child. However, I wasn't able to meet their criteria, being a single women.

Next I visited my doctor to see if my body was healthy and ready to carry a baby. At this point I was thinking I would meet someone else, get married and live happily ever after. I was turning 34 and felt I had plenty of time, but wanted to make sure my body was healthy. It was. However, my last relationship ripped my heart out of my chest and I was not able to date or even think about trusting another man. I continued to do what I do best, build my career. I was taking my masters in education. I also started to seek counselling to help me move forward in my trusting men and possibly dating again.

Over the next 2 years I dated on and off, usually online dating, but a few from my work place and friends of friends. None of these worked out for various reasons. This is a whole other BLOG. My theory is that men who are my age and older have already been married and are not looking for a serious relationship (especially children or more children). Also they appear to shy away from women who live independently and are successful in their careers, who know what they want out of life. I often hear men say they are looking for women who know what they want, but my experience is that they are looking for women who will want to follow the path in which they want to take, not embrace two paths (join paths) and get more out of life.

Throughout my career I have met many students in fostercare. I wanted to open my door for someone who needed it my help, a place to stay, and someone to love them unconditionally. I went to various meetings, took training sessions and completed my appliaction to be a fostermother. Through this process I found out that I needed to be at home, not working. I found this concept so hard to believe. I was a professional in a field that I work with children with severe learning and emotional difficulties, yet I had to quit or take a leave from my job to provide care for a child who needs a home. I couldn't afford my home if I left my job therefore I wouldn't be able to have a child. So I set up an appointment to speak with an agency member. She was lovely, thought I'd be perfect, but asked me to find someone who could care for my potential foster child who wasn't working (and it couldn't be daycare). This person would of course need to have police clearing, etc. BUT also needed to go through the courses. At this point I realized I didn't have someone who lives near me to do this. I didn't live near my family, and my friends all worked full time. So I decided to look into moving closer to my parents, sisters, and friends and put my fostercare application on-hold.

At this point I made the decision to be a single women choosing motherhood, using donor insemination. This is my journey.

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